BUTTERFLIES: Self-Care- Why the Negative Stigma?

There is nothing new about the concept of self-care. We all know it is needed in order for us to be productive. So why is there a negative stigma to the self-care concept? In many cultures, too much self-care is seen as lazy, or is something that needs to be earned. Self-care is often seen with the perception of needing to be offset by hard work and exhaustion. Why do we need to earn the right to conduct self-love, or self-care? I am challenging you to change your thought process on the self-care concept.

Let’s talk about the definition of self-care. There are many interpretations of this word. My perception of the self-care definition is: Self-care is seen as a preventative measure to help keep the mind, body and spirit in harmony to prevent illness, fatigue, and injury. Oxford Dictionary tells us that self-care is “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” As we can see there are a few variations of the definition of self-care, but the underlying concept is the same. For the simplicity of this blog we are going to use my interpretation of self-care. I am a true believer, self-care should be a preventative and ongoing concept and not used only during stressful events.

Growing up I can remember being rewarded for hard work. But indirectly, if I was not too productive or appeared to coast, there was not a reward. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing incorrect about rewarding yourself for hard work, but self-care should be done just because you are you😊! Barton writes, “as much as we want to help other people, if we empty ourselves completely without recharging, we’ll have nothing to give them. Essentially, we need to take care of ourselves in order to properly care for and about the important people in our lives. So take that moment, or day, or as long as you need to recharge and get back on your feet.” Eventually, self-care will be part of your baseline regimen of care. It will become as natural as making sure you eat every day! 

As you get older, you realize self-care/self-love is a true necessity. It doesn’t cost a lot of money to complete self-care on a regular basis. I know for many people self-care is a new concept. So, start off small and set a time line of the frequency of completion. For example: My personal self-care goal changed from once every other month, to once monthly, to biweekly, and now weekly. The process took years to progress to this frequency and not have any underlying guilt (you are worthy!). Also, what you do for self-care can be different every time. Mix it up and make it fun😊! Here are 10 examples of quick inexpensive self-care task you can complete to get you started. They are as follows:

1. Take a walk- Free
2. Play with your pet- Free
3. Complete a home facial- May have items at home/free to low cost
4. Paint your nails- Free to low cost
5. Complete a task on your bucket list- May be a little more costly depending on bucket list 
   
6. Get a massage- Low to moderate cost/ if you want free, have your significant other complete it for you😊!
7. Complete a DIY project- Low to moderate cost depending DIY list
8. Do an in home wine tasting- Low to moderate
9. Gardening- Free to low cost 
10. Watch a movie/ TV series/Read a book- Free to low cost

These 10 self-care examples are just a start! No matter where you choose to start, you will be on your way to well appreciated self-care. Remember baby steps, and you do not have to be stressed out to initiate the process. Self-care should be preventative. You are well on your way in making this process apart of your regular routine. Remember, no one’s perfect, if you fall off just restart the process. Be kind to yourself. Your body will thank you😉!

The self-care task listed above are meant to be a reference point only and are not all-inclusive. How do you complete your self-care and how often? Please subscribe via e-mail on the right, and leave a comment in the comment section below (Now, an anonymous comment option available for your privacy!). As always, thanks for reading and subscribing😊!*

  

APA References:

Barton, L. (2016, March 17). Self-Stigma: The Undeserved Guilt of Self-Care, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, April 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/survivingmentalhealthstigma/2016/03/how-we-feel-self-stigma-when-practicing-self-care

Oxford Dictionary (2021). Self-care. Retrieved on 2021, April 28 from https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/self-care

LOVE: Welcome Back to Holy Matrimony:-)!

 

There has been so many things racing through my head since I have last put my fingers to the keyboard. First, I want to give the almighty GOD credit for getting my new hubby and I through the wedding planning process and completing our nuptials. There are so many unforeseen tasks to complete, and we still are not done…. lol. But the crazy thing is this: I would not change the wedding or the planning experience for the world 😊! That means a lot coming from this very type A personality…lol. For the record, I am Type C once all my task is done. I’m working on it.

Going through the wedding planning process in less than a year, all the Covid-19 changes, and completing physical therapy was nothing short of a challenge. Did I mention premarital counseling and few other Covid-19 related variables? But I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Also, many life situations are tests. Tests are sometimes needed for you to see your strengths, and let you acknowledge other areas you need to work on (But that is for another blog😊)!

For the purpose of this blog, I want to tell my perception of the wedding planning process and setting a date. Although men and women both complete the wedding planning process, I feel the perception and preparation is slightly unique for women. Not to take away from the male aspect, but I feel I can only write from my point of view on this topic. Also, for me being a bride was vastly different from the multiple maids of honor and bridesmaid experience I have completed.

In my blog, www.lovelifebutterflies.com.on October 25^th, 2020, I write about LOVE: Setting a Wedding Date and the Planning Process. Looking back, I realize I frequently refer to the 8 tips written with some variations. Although the previous blog was already written, now I feel it is important to show if the tips work and be transparent in what REALLY is beneficial for use. Here is the REALITY of the 8 tips that help me get through setting a wedding date and the wedding process. They are as follows:

1.   Enjoying the Engagement- My spouse and I made the engagement as enjoyable as possible. Dealing with Covid-19 during this time made enjoyment challenging. Both of us work in an industry that required exceptionally long work hours, and this did not include the change in processes occurring in everyday life. To assist with enjoying the engagement, we continued to have date night during the pandemic.
2. The Research- Although background research was completed on the wedding and the planning process, I feel the best advise came from other individuals who had been through the wedding planning process. For me, this provided more comfort as I completed task. Also, having resource individuals let me know the variations and feelings I was experiencing were normal.
3. Enjoying the Planning Process- I am trying to stay incredibly positive, but I did not enjoy the planning process at all…lol. For someone that is very concrete, there were many moving parts. Extra parts due to Covid-19. At least that is what was expressed from my resource individuals. Let us just say, too many for my type A personality. But guess what? God put in place people who thrive and relish in this area. Our nuptials were a success. I could not have done this process alone and am forever grateful for everyone who assisted😊!
4. Allowing Yourself Enough Time to Plan- As mentioned above, the planning time was cut short by many factors. After personally going through this experience, whatever time you think you need double it! Also, your original timeline, attempt to stick with it. In doing this the tweaking at the end will be minimal. To accomplish this area, many reinforcements were called upon.
5. Choosing Your Wedding Party- So it is no secret that Covid-19 affected everyone in choosing a wedding party. Many original wedding participants lived in other states. A month before the union a few of the northern states became open for travel. Honestly, it was during this time that the whole picture of the wedding really started coming together. Instead of changing the wedding party, more people we loved could be present for our union. Also, individuals were able to contribute in-person on some level who may not been able to attend previously. So, although this was a big variable in our wedding party, it was a positive one😊!Variables in the Planning 
6. Process- All I can say is flexibility, flexibility, flexibility! So, I want to stress throughout this blog the variables mentioned were a little more than normal. The variables mentioned are from my personal experience with setting a date and the wedding planning process. These variables are not meant to be a deterrent, but a reference point only. Covid-19 caused normal life process to be altered. The wedding process was no exception.
7. Setting a Date- I feel every area under setting a date, which needed considering was not applicable due to Covid-19 requirements (time of day, location, season, and holiday requirement). Honestly, the way weddings are being completed during Covid-19, you must be realistic on what you are requesting and your expectations. Our wedding was performed a day after my birthday, a weekend before Easter, in the evening, most of our guest came from out of state, and during Georgia’s time of crazy season change. Although this was not the initial plan, this is the date and time which worked for my spouse and me.
8. Setting a Budget- Oddly, the area of setting a budget worked out but was still affected. I, who normally DIY everything was in physical therapy and working up until 1 week before the wedding. And although most women have a dream wedding in mind, I am NOT one of those women...lol. I knew what feeling I wanted to have, and I wanted to look beautiful. For me, that goal was achieved. So, the budget that was originally set was altered when reinforcements for certain task were outsourced. But it was doable. I just want to stress; I do not condone going into debt over a wedding. I will say this, get one idea and stick with it. Let it be your focal point and do not loose focus on what you are trying to achieve in the planning process. For me, my goal was achieved.

Every bride is unique but remember the ultimate end goal is for you to enjoy your wedding nuptials with your spouse and prepare for a long-lasting life together. Know you will be surrounded by family and friends who will love and cherish your union. Even if your wedding does not go smoothly, and usually it does not, you have now joined with the spouse of your dreams. As crazy as it sounds, I would not change my wedding planning experience and nuptials for the world. What I believe makes the difference is changing your expectations and realizing what is important. If you do this, you will enjoy the wedding experience even more! I know I did😊!

*As always, thanks for reading! If you like this blog and want continuous updates, subscribe via e-mail on the right. Please share your wedding stories! I look forward to reading your wedding comments in the comment section below. Thanks in advance!*

LIFE: High Protein Deviled Eggs

 Who likes deviled eggs? ooh me! I do, I do! Let's face it, there are many versions of the deviled egg recipe that can be made. Currently, I have 3 different versions of the deviled egg recipe. The request was given to me to share one. I believe they are called deviled eggs because they are so darn delicious. How healthy they are depends on you and you ingredient choices! Anything that taste this delicious must be dangerous. For the purpose of this blog we are going to make high protein deviled eggs. So let's get started!

We will start with a list of ingredients and supplies that will be needed. They are as follows:

• 12 whole large eggs
• 1 cup of ranch salad dressing
• 1 cup of whole sour cream
• 1 tablespoon of cilantro
• 1 tablespoon of cumin
• Paprika (sprinkle and optional)
• 1 cup of bacon bits (turkey or pork)
• 1 tablespoon of Mrs. Dash (garlic and herb no salt seasoning)
• 1 cup of  crumbled feta cheese
• 2 tablespoons of sea salt
• Supplies needed: A large mixing bowl, a hand mixer, a large pot, a large strainer, 1 mixing spoon, and a large serving tray of your choice.

Now that we have our ingredients and supplies, lets begin the process:

1. First, fill the large pot half way with water. Add 2 tablespoons of sea salt and allow the water to come to a boil. Place the 12 whole eggs in the boiling water. Safety first, be careful when placing whole eggs in pot. Boil the eggs for 20 minutes. This will ensure the eggs are cooked thoroughly. 
2. Second, place the large strainer in the sink. Drain the water from the eggs by pouring the hot pot with the completed boiled eggs in a strainer. Place cool water back in the large pot and place the strained eggs in the cool water. Allow the 12 eggs to sit for 10 minutes before attempting to de-shell. Safety first, please use oven mitts during this process and do not hold face over pot while pouring. Steam will be hot!
3. After 10 minutes of cooling, remove the shells from each eggs. Tap each egg on the side of the pot to crack the shell and remove. This process should be easy because the sea salt was used during the eggs boiling process. Cut the cooled boiled eggs in half and place the boiled yokes in the large mixing bowl. This process will yield 24 egg white cups once complete. Leave the egg white cups in the water to cool completely.
4. Next, you should have 12 boiled yokes in the large mixing bowl. Add 1 cup of ranch salad dressing, and 1cup of sour cream. Use hand mixer to mix these ingredients. Once mixed add 1 tablespoon of cilantro, 1 tablespoon of  cumin, 1 tablespoon of Mrs. Dash garlic and herb blend, and 1 cup of feta cheese. Complete the mixing process with the mixing spoon. Using the mixing spoon during this stage keeps the crumbled feta cheese a little chunky in the mix.
5. At this point you may use the mixing spoon to add 1 cup of bacon bits to the mix, or leave them for later. I choose to leave them out for the non pork and non meat eaters. In doing this, splitting the egg preferences at the end of the process is easier.
6. Now, place all egg white cups on the large serving tray. You should have a total of 24. Fill each egg white cup with the prepared bowl mixture content. It should take roughly 1 tablespoon to fill each cup. Your mixture should be thick. If you have any mixture left you may top of each egg white cup with the remainder. Make sure to spread out any remaining mixture evenly.
7. Lastly, split the eggs with the prepared mixture inside into 2 twelves. If you did not add the bacon bits in the mixture during the hand mixing process, now you may sprinkle bacon bits on the first 12 eggs. Then sprinkle a little cilantro and paprika on all the eggs. These last few step are optional. Chill in the refrigerator and serve when ready.

Voila! Are you ready to be the hit of the party? A disclaimer I am going to make about the recipe is the ingredients are an estimate. Please modify to taste! Also, any crumbled cheese can be substituted to your liking (feta, Gouda, blue cheese, goat cheese and etc.). The cheese gives the deviled eggs a little zest and added protein. So what zest do you want? Trust me, these deviled eggs will fly off the dish. No matter what version you prepare, these eggs will disappear like magic. Enjoy and have fun with the process!

*It takes roughly 45 minutes to complete from prep to cook completion. These deviled eggs are totally worth the process. Please share your deviled egg recipe, subscribe via e-mail on the right, and leave a comment in the comment section below. As always, thanks for reading and subscribing!*

BUTTERFLIES: Emotional Transparency and Vulnerability

How emotionally transparent are you? Do you tap into your vulnerable side? Some people are very good at being emotionally transparent and vulnerable. What you see is what you get! Comfort-ability to be emotionally transparent and vulnerable comes from a variety of factors such as: culture, environment, and life experiences. In many cultures emotional vulnerability and having transparency is seen as weak. These two words have a negative connotation. Although many cultures have this belief, both are needed for growth. So, how do you find a common ground between being transparent and vulnerable? How do you stay comfortable in your skin during the process?

For me, the last several years have been about being more emotionally transparent and vulnerable. These two areas have been my focus for growth. The stoic base which was instilled in me has been challenged by many life experiences that were out of my control.  We can not control everything..lol. Now, this is not to say that going through these life experiences had a negative outcome. The true plum fact is, while experiencing emotional vulnerability and transparency, you can become quite uncomfortable. But I would never change the end result. For me, repetition of the process made my emotional transparency and vulnerability phase a little easier. The result, was a better me! But, how can you go through the process of emotional vulnerability and transparency, and still be in one piece while trying to better yourself? Here are 7 steps to help you through the transition process. They are as follows:

1. Recognize- Recognize the emotion you are feeling in the growth process? Do not react immediately and give yourself time to explore the emotion. How does it make you feel? Once you label the feeling do not judge yourself for having an emotion.
2. Understand- Try to understand the emotion. Why do you feel this way? What triggered the emotion? Is it a feeling you have experienced before? If familiar, how did you respond before and did it help your growth? If not, you may need to figure out a different response. Remember, every response does not promote growth and healing!
3. Manage- There are a few questions you should ask yourself when going through an emotional process. Do you feel you need to address the situation or did the feeling pass?  I know we hate to ask out selves this one- but is it possible that you over reacted to the situation? We all have done this every once and a while..Lol! What have you learned? If the situation arises again, will you feel the same level of vulnerability? 
4. Allow Room for Mistakes- Growth in dealing with emotional transparency and vulnerability takes time and practice to learn. Allow yourself room for mistakes within the process. Being hard on yourself will cause more stress and anxiety. You may be less likely to complete the process and hinder your growth. 
5. Build an Environment of Trust- In order for others to feel comfortable to be emotionally transparent and vulnerable, an environment of trust must be built. Weather it is a romantic relationship, a circle of friends, and/or a work circle; everyone has to be comfortable within the circle in order to share their feelings open and honestly. Allowing this level of comfort-ability, everyone's true wishes can be known and the people involved can adjust accordingly.
6. Be Present- Make time to connect with your spouse, circle, family, and/or employees on a regular basis. Making one-on-one time with others in your space decreases the frequent need of the emotional transparency and vulnerability  need. 
7. Listen More Than You Speak- When a negative emotion is triggered, and the emotional transparency and vulnerability cycle is in process, be a good listener. Sometimes people need to vent and release all of their emotions. You may be the first person this individual was able to release their feelings to. Everyone who release emotions does not need their problem solved. Ask if your assistance is needed, or do they just need a listening ear? This establishes you as a trusted resource and someone they can depend on during the emotional transparency and vulnerability process.

As you have read, the emotional transparency and vulnerability process is a complex one. There are many ways to complete this process. But above is an established guideline to use. Having a guideline may make completing the process a little easier. The end result is growth and a better you! There is nothing wrong with that😊!

As you may realize the steps above are not all-inclusive. The 7 steps are highlights of how to get through the emotional transparency and vulnerability process. Steps provided by, (www.quantumworkplace.com. 2020. Managing Emotions and Emotion Vulnerability. Podcast#21). How emotionally transparent are you? Do you tap into your vulnerable side? Please subscribe via e-mail on the right, and leave a comment in the comment section below (Now, an anonymous comment option available for your privacy!). As always, thanks for reading and subscribing😊!*

BUTTERFLIES: Leaders and Leadership

What is your definition of a leader? What qualities do you need to see in a leader to feel you can be a productive follower? Leaders and and the topic of leadership has been a recurrent topic in my timeline this week. So we are going to address these two areas throughout the blog. For the purpose of this blog we are going to discuss the difference between being a leader and being in a leadership role. Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines a leader as "a powerful person who controls or influences what other people do. A person who leads a group, organization, country and etc". I believe sometimes the terms are used interchangeably. This is not correct! Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines leadership "as the office or position of a leader, the capacity to lead, and the act or instance of leading". Now that we have the definition correct, lets dive deeper into the two areas. 

I want to start with the word leadership. The reason I am starting with this word first is, it is  misinterpreted the most. Being in a leadership role does not make you a leader. But sometimes a leadership platform is needed in order for a leader to be productive and lead. Many times people are placed in a leadership role before they are ready to be a leader. They are not provided the tools to 

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develop and maintain leadership qualities. If leadership qualities can not be maintained and developed, you can not continue to be an effective leader. 

Earlier in my healthcare career I found myself in this position. I was placed in a leadership role without resources. To make matter worse, I was working in an area I concentrated on in undergraduate school. For me, the experience and tools I required were not there, and I felt locked in the position. I quickly realized this position was not for me, and changed my path. Sometimes leadership growth occurs in knowing what is not the correct leadership position for you. One thing to remember, the position was not a good fit for me, but may be a perfect fit for another leader.

The other side of the coin to remember, if everyone was built to be a leader, then there would not be anyone to follow. During my early nursing career, it was still my time to be a follower. The experience I had early on in my healthcare career made me realize everyone has a role to play in the leader-follower dynamic. But that is for another blog😉! But remember followers can be groomed to be in a leadership role. Here are 5 ways to know you may be ready for a leadership role. They are: 

1. You like helping your coworkers problem-solve.
2. You see the potential in others, and get satisfaction in seeing them flourish.
3. You enjoy process improvement and feel you have ways to save the company time and money. 
4. Many people assume you are in a leadership role due to your knowledge base and the instinct to share what you know with others. 
5. You are willing to learn while you are in a leadership role. Reflect on your own actions and be willing to be an example of the qualities you are trying to enforce. 

The leadership role can be very appealing to others who are not currently in the position. The time and energy that it takes to be effective in this area is never projected by a good leader. But there are a few signs you may not be ready for a leadership role. I will like to state, not being ready for a leadership role does not mean you will never be a leader or in a leadership position in the future. Experience, time, and continuous education needs to be present for a leader to continue to share with their followers. Here are some signs that you may not be ready to lead. They are as follows: 

1. You want the role solely for monetary reasons. 
2. You want the job because there is an illusion your work load will be easier. 
3. You have a hard time speaking up on something that would benefit the company. 
4. You are not willing to open up and be trusting with employees on your team. 
5. You care more about the job title, private office, or other perks more than the job itself. 

Now, we know some of the ideas that mean you are not ready for a leadership position. Again, this does not mean you will not be ready to be a leader in the future. So, what are qualities of a good leader? Weather your leader is in church or in The White House, there are certain qualities they posses which makes you feel they are GREAT at what they do. These qualities allow them to be effective in their post and with their followers: 5 qualities of a GREAT leader are:

1. Great communication skills
2. The ability to delegate task
3. Empathy
4. Self-Care
5. Gratitude

Remember, there is not one way or style to lead. The leadership style which works for one leader, may not particularly work for another. How you decide to lead depends on your surroundings, and your followers. Also, this thought process can apply to a leader's qualities. As you grow and change, on thing to remember is you take the best of other leaders and make it your own. The rest is history! 

As you may realize these list are not all-inclusive. The lists are highlights of qualities and  characteristics GREAT leaders needs to possess in order to lead.What is your definition of a leader? What qualities do you need leadership to possess for you to be a productive follower? Please subscribe via e-mail on the right, and leave a comment in the comment section below (Now, an anonymous comment option available for your privacy!). As always, thanks for reading and subscribing😊!*

Love: Are You and Your Partner Compatible?

Are you and your partner compatible? There are many areas of compatibility in a relationship to consider when trying to find a mate. A valuable piece of information which may assist you, is knowing you and your partners love language. Love language! What is that? Love language has two areas: It allows you to learn how you like to receive affection and gives you ideas on how to provide affection for your spouse once you learn their love language. Love language is comprised of five styles, which we will discuss a little further in the blog. First lets learn a little about the original author.

The five areas that we are going to talk about were developed by author Gary Chapman Ph.D. Gary wrote a book called, "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts". The author wrote the original book in 1992. In the book, Gary discusses 5 specific ways people like to receive love, along with a communication component. No one has one true category, but rather a hybrid of several categories. Some categories are more dominant than others, which means these types are more your preference. But do not rule the other types out. Preference may very and change based on goals, life experiences, and circumstances. The five love languages that Gary discusses are described in brief in the chart below:

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These 5 types of languages are not just important in dating, but in other areas of life. The five love languages became familiar to me in one of my leadership roles in a hospital facility in which I was employed. The book was used to facilitate effective communication between leaders. First, we each took a version on Chapman's test individually. Once we discovered our own language style, it was easier to communicate our needs to each other. Once we understood each others language style, we became a more effective leadership team. 

Isn't this the same goal in a relationship? To unite and become stronger as a team. If you are a little bit curious about what your love language results are, you may take the quiz at www.5lovelanguages.com. I am glad my fiance and I completed the quiz. It definitely was an eye opener, and will be a repeat use in our future😊! If you find the book and quiz helpful here are other relationship books written by Author Gary Chapman. They are as follows:

1. The Five Languages of Apology
2. The Four Seasons of Marriage
3. Things I Wished I'd Known Before We Got Married
4. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

There is one point I do want to stress about these books. These books make you question different areas in your relationship, and obtain a different perception. In completing the provided self-test frequently, you may realize your relationship needs have changed. A change in love language is not a negative concept. It just means you are evolving and growing. As you grow and change, so does your needs. When change occur and it is not communicated to your partner, chaos can erupt. Communication is always the answer, but is easier said than done..lol. 

In a relationship it is very easy to project the love language that suits you. In doing so, you believe you are showing your partner love. It is quite the opposite. Let us converse about an example. So, let us say your love language is gifts and your partners is physical touch. To show your affection you buy your partner frequent gifts but never show physical contact. In actuality you have fulfilled your own love language and not your partners. Although the thought was good, your partners love needs are unfulfilled. This is what I mean when I say it is easier to know what type of love language each partner needs, than it is to complete the action of making them feel their own love language. I am very guilty of this one. But, do not be so hard on yourself! No one is expecting you to be an expert in expressing the kind of love your partner needs over night. Being compatible and making sure each other needs are met takes work. Here are a few clues that you and your partner loves needs differ. They are as follows:

1. It drives you crazy when your partner doesn't take your plans seriously and treats them as unimportant.
2. Words of encouragement is not your partners strong suit, and it makes you feel undervalued.
3. Your partner was upset you did not bring a souvenir from a vacation trip, and you were upset that your spouse expected some type of gift.
4. Your spouse does not randomly bring flowers home, and you are not impressed by their lack of actions.

Let me just place a disclaimer. The actions stated above are not a depiction of my spouse. Also, having different love languages does not mean you are incompatible. Differences mean you have to work a little harder to understand one another and work on being in sync. There is nothing wrong with a little hard work😉! Is your partner worth a little work? Mine certainly is, because I know he has to put in some work for me....lol.

Although the book on love languages is very useful, I want to bring to light the variables that may effect the quiz results. A few include but are not limited to: Culture, religion, gender, up bringing, past relationship experiences, and sexuality. The love language concept is not a cure but a starting point for communication. It is not designed to bring complete happiness, but it is a nice starting point for couples. 

* There are several versions of this book (Topics cover couples, children, teens, and singles), but the information provided is not all-inclusive. Rather, the books provides information for the communication process and partner exploration. Please, always seek professional advise when needed. Are you and your partner compatible? Please subscribe via e-mail on the right, and leave a comment in the comment section below.  As always, thanks for reading and subscribing! *

LIFE: Abstinence the Second Time Around

Everyone whispers about abstinence, but no one speaks about it out loud. Let us address this taboo topic. Several weeks ago on "The Sunday View" the topic of abstinence was brought to light (HITS 92.3-Internet Radio). Not only was the topic relevant to my fiance and my current situation, the show had a biblical stand point on the word. Sometimes the words abstinence and celibacy are used interchangeably. For the purpose of the blog we will used the word abstinence. Wikipedia defines abstinence as being a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Our focus will be placed on a general view of the word. Many people are not aware there are several types of abstinence. They are as follow: 

• Food
• Smoking
• Alcohol
• Pleasure
• Sexual
• Organizations

The type of abstinence most people associate with is sexual. Wikipedia describes sexual abstinence as refraining from some or all aspects of sexual activity for medical, psychological, legal, social, financial, philosophical, moral, or religious reasons. For our relationship, the focus was religion. Now here is where the tricky part comes in. For me practicing abstinence for the second time around is taking patience and some maneuvering. I will not speak for my fiance on this point...lol. When you know you and your partner are sexually compatible, abstinence is a little harder. Plus we live in the same household. Abstinence was important to him once we got engaged and until we said our vows. Honestly, the reason why was not important to me, all that mattered is that abstinence was important to him. Which made abstinence important to me. In the past, I have practiced abstinence. I was single, and it allowed me to complete some soul searching and discover other areas in life that made me happy. Maybe abstinence will work for you😊! Here are a few tips and tricks to help you with abstaining from sexual pleasure. They are as follow:

• Remind yourself the reason you are abstaining
• Avoid situations that will set you up for failure
• Make sure to have supportive people around you who support your decision
• Focus on other aspects of your relationship
• Be honest about your feelings and how abstinence is making you feel
• Remind yourself abstinence has an end date or expiration

I hate to say this, but abstaining from sexual pleasure allows you to focus on other areas in your life and relationship. We have been able to focus on many other areas of our relationship due to this tactic. Some items in a relationship which needs addressing may gets glossed over when sex is the main focus. Here are some other areas of your relationship you can focus on when practicing abstinence. They are:

• Learning what your partner enjoys beside sexual pleasure
• Enjoy more time achieving personal goals and/or couple goals
• Focus on other forms of connection as a couple mentally and spiritually
• Still discuss sex. Yes, I said it...lol. Sex should not become a taboo topic, but still discussed openly. You may realize as a couple how you use sex as a crutch.
• Learning other areas of compatibility
• Allow you time to build trust in other areas of your relationship

Although abstinence was one of our premarital focal points, it may not work for everyone. There are a few negative aspects of abstinence. This is why communication is very important. I feel if communication is done effectively, it my decrease the chance of a negative outcome. A few negative aspects are:

• sexual frustration
• loss of affection
• Insecurity
• Anxiety

The feelings stated above may creep in, if communication is not being completed on a regular basis. Communication is key to keeping a lot of negative feeling at bay. When planning abstinence in a relationship it is important to discuss the rules. Rules should include the level of abstinence you and your partner are willing to practice. I will leave levels of abstinence for another time...lol. Knowing the rules will ensure everyone is on the same playing field. Also, it does not allow each participant to have unrealistic expectations of the level of abstinence. No matter what type of abstinence you choose, make sure it works for you and your partner. Have fun and enjoy learning more about your partner on a different level. Remember, in this case abstinence does not last forever!

*What are your thoughts about abstinence? Does it work? Have you tried it?. The information provided above is not all inclusive, but a starting point. Please subscribe via e-mail on the right, and leave a comment in the comment section below. As always, thanks for reading and subscribing!*